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Midlife Crisis?

February 25, 2013


Mmm scotch.  A new found love of mine.  At first, I found this gross, but soon realized if you half plugged your nose while drinking it, you almost blocked the harsh flavour whilst still enjoying a nice scotch on the rocks.  So really, if I’m half working around the flavour, why am I drinking this?  The answer is simple – because I’m a man.  This is what men do, we drink crap we don’t honestly enjoy and engage in painful activities that leave bystanders rolling their eyes all in the name of manhood.  This is nothing new to people, its virtually common knowledge.  However drinking scotch is much more scientific than simply consuming hard alcohol without mix in order to get drunk without intaking senseless calories of a mix to maintain a greek godlike figure and stick to a diet…no, the rabbit hole goes much deeper.  How deep?  Well, I’ve broken it down to 2 reasons why men drink scotch.  Ironically, both are socially acceptable.


Reason one.  You are a rich and successful man, dressed in expensive suits and smoking coheba cigars while watching your stocks rise like the morning sun on your iPhone while aptly poised at your poolside TV watching sports highlights of games you don’t even follow.  As much as I wish this were me, it’s just not my reality.  Which leads me to reason 2.  Mid life crisis.  Now, a midlife crisis isn’t exactly named accordingly.  A true midlife crisis is actually a point in time where someone reflects on their own life and questions if they are where they feel they should be at said point in time.  This being said, one could theroretically have multiple ‘midlife crisis’ in their lives.  How many, exactly?  Well, I think hard alcohol can answer that question.

I had an epiphany the other day.  People generally have up to 3 midlife crisis in their lifespan.  These 3 moments are usually ran in measurable thirds of their lives.  Now, if you give or take roughly 5 years, all 3 ‘midlife crisis’ can be measured in a year-to-ounce ratio of all 3 sizes of bottles you can purchase of any major brand of liquor;  a 26, 40, or 66.  Now, myself being 30 years of age, I fall near my first scheduled crisis occurrence.  So whats my deal?  Well, tough to say, but lately I have to admit I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my own life and choices I’ve made.  Plus I’ve started drinking scotch.  And enjoying it.  I also must add, everytime I do engage in a glass, I feel the need to spark up an old tobacco pipe and write a novel.  Next I’ll be wearing horn rimmed glasses and speaking in a terrible english accent.  Meh.  Such is life.

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