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Sweet or Creepy, a closer look at Country Music

May 8, 2013

titleshot

So why not kick off the week with a little touch of reality?  Most of the sweet country music lyrics we hear seem so dreamy and romantic, but lets face it – that crap is meant to stay in song format.  I can’t think of many situations where lines like “” would work unless you’re trying to coo a victim you’ve already got tied up in a basement.

So this week I’ve decided to take the plunge and share the cold hard truth – or at least my experiences – with the good ol’ fashioned country music soothin’ for the ladies…and the responses that I got.

Check you for ticks

Our friend Billy Currington suggests its romantic to tell a woman he wants to kiss them way out in the sticks, and perhaps it is, if you suggest it with proper romantic delivery.  From my experience, if you are even one octave off of sounding sweet, you’ll wind up coming off as a serial kidnapper and get slapped.  OK, so I may not have exactly gotten “slapped” physically, but I was metaphorically punched in the gut when she called me a crazy.  Its a good thing I didn’t offer to check her for ticks.

Beer for my Horses

OK so this song may not be claiming to be romantic by any means, its meant to come off manly, and who could argue that?  Feeding beer to your horses whilst you consume vast amount of whiskey?  Pretty badass.  However animal control and PETA would be all over you for feeding alcohol to an animal, deeming this a horrible idea.  Not to mention how un-economical this approach would be, do you have any idea how much liquid a horse can consume?  A single horse could absolutely crush a keg to itself.  I love my animals, but I wouldn’t spend $200 at a time because its ‘thirsty’ and it’s a ‘manly’ thing to do.  I’ve got bills to pay, dammit.

Kiss your girlfriend…

This is actually my favorite line of many that I could be throwing down here.  “Hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend” is not only a bad idea to say to someone, its also the best if you want to establish male dominance early on in the night.  Unless this guy is smaller than you, this will probably earn you the most bar credit possible throughout the night.  Once I used “hold my jacket while I dance with your sister” which is equally as dangerous a line, but it gets you zero bar credit and only a black eye.  Whatever, chicks dig scars, right?

mattguitar

Oh the magic of country stars and their gift of song.  There was a study done very recently in Europe that a man with a guitar has about a 33% chance of getting a girls phone number over a man who doesn’t.  Consequently, a man with a gym bag had something like 8% more a chance over someone with nothing.  Personally, I’d rather hold the guitar, but I think it would be even more fun to prove the theory completely wrong and walk around with a guitar AND a gym bag and email in my results.  Canada’s Country Fest would be prime stomping grounds to test such a theory, but whenever I’m there I wind up dressing ridiculous and drawing too much attention to myself.  Hey, I’m a guy, it’s what we do.

ch5news

Even with no guitar, and no country lyrics to get yourself in trouble, you can always attempt to dress the part.  Attempt is the key word, as none of us above actually look country at all.  Where we didn’t bother trying to get numbers from girls, we decided to play it safe and just enjoy a few beverages instead.  Worst case, we could always pose as the Channel 5 News team (which we actually did, by the way – pictures were in the paper).

So I guess there actually can be lines that comes out of country songs that don’t really have to get you in trouble with the ladies, or PETA for that matter.  Like our good friend Mr Currington says, I’m pretty good at drinking beer.

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