Houston, We Have A Problem

Well, after floating around aimlessly in space as a single guy for one year less than Barack Obama’s total time as president, I’d finally hit that re-entry point into the thick atmosphere of Planet Relationship.  Eager to explore a new unknown world of fun and excitement, I set course for a slow, gradual descent.  Of course, it doesn’t take a NASA engineer to know that a male navigational system is faulty, and like every Apollo mission I braced for impact.  Now, where I may not have burned up instantly upon re-entry, I definitely began to feel the gravity quickly as I left my orbiting safe zone.  And like so many before me, my time spent on this strange Planet was cut short as my oxygen supply eventually depleted and I was ejected out just as fast as I had crash landed.

Let’s face it folks, I’m out of practice.  I really can’t fault the girl in this situation at all.  Now where I’d like to think it was mere mis-compatibility issues, I can’t help but feel that a lot of it had to do with the fact that I can be totally and utterly clueless when it comes to dating.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete idiot.  Where I do know the basic rules such as ‘Thou shalt not fart in front of thy lady – at least not loudly’, I could use a good briefing on common dating protocol.  Let’s recap on what I’ve learned from dating in the past years.

For instance, I’ve found out that specific dates are very important to the female species, and when declaring that “a dating anniversary date is so high school”, disappointed frustration is the result.  Whoops.

Also, being completely honest can get you in a lot of trouble.  Now, I’m not condoning lying by any means, gentlemen.  However I am simply saying that if you are brutally honest with your women, just expect them to get a little worked up once in a while.  Even thought it’s the right move to make.  It’s weird that way, and don’t worry men, we’re aren’t actually supposed to win arguments.  That’s their territory, and they’ll defend their turf until the end of time!

Gentlemen, while in a relationship you have but two possible roles you can play – douchebag or pushover.  I know, its seems completely unfair, but that’s the responsibility you take when you undergo a relationship.  And the rules are simple!  You’re a douchebag if you breakup with or hurt your girl emotionally in any way, including attempting to win an argument.  Consequently, if you’re the nice guy who bends over backwards all the time and succumbs to everything they say, they deem you a pushover.  I have been both under different circumstances in prior relationships over the years.  I’m sure the secret to success lays somewhere in the middle of the two, but I have yet to figure that out.  Until then, gents, we have scotch to occupy our confused minds.

Dating for me is tough in other ways too, because I have an odd sense of humour.  Even when a situation would normally call for serious composure, I can’t help myself but poke fun or laugh.  Life to me is a stage where I’m constantly “on”.  I also like make random videos out of sheer boredom, which says a lot about me.  I’m weird.  Not all girls can appreciate weird.  I don’t think I blame them.

Keeping positive though, I’ve founds in the past that sometimes differences in two people can be a factor in keeping a relationship together.  For example, maybe she’s down to earth, and very career driven.  Conversely I’m an electrician, I make things light up and occasionally explode.  She could keep me grounded while I make her laugh.  Seems totally doable.  At least my end of the bargain.

At any rate, getting into a new relationship can definitely be exciting.  The trick is to be open to it, and to not be afraid.  Even if you’re coming off a complete cold streak to being Spartan kicked down the commitment well.  I’m confident I can figure all this out as I go along in life.  Just need to find the right match.

And if I am destined to be single forever, I can return to my fallback plan of being on American Idol.  Back when I was 16, I had the voice of an angel.  I hear there’s a market for Whitney Houston cover bands..