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The Ground is Lava starting…NOW

February 3, 2014

groundislava

So I went to bed the other night and made the classic pet owner mistake – left the bedroom door open.  Just as I closed the laptop screen and stretched out in my post-Netflix / pre sleeping pose, I felt the cat jump onto the bed from the dresser.  Ignoring her, I went to sleep.  Not five minutes in, I awoke with a start by getting batted in the face by what only looked like a blurry grey slipper.  No matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep, the little purr factory insisted I stay away and give her attention or she’d continue to walk across my head and chest, occasionally swatting at me if she saw my eyes close.  Finally having enough, I tried to push her off the bed, only to have to leap onto the window sill, then back to the bed.  Again I pushed her, and again she jumped up this time onto the dresser.  This continued with the chair, night stand, and even laundry basket, but she never touched the floor.  This got me thinking.

I grew up in a house of five brothers, myself being the oldest.  We’d play a variety of games together, whether it be ninja turtles where I got to beat them up, WWF where I got to beat them up, nerf gun games where I got to shoot them then beat them up, or something simple like monopoly – where I’d lose and by default beat them up.  Yet sometimes, when I wasn’t grounded for beating them up, we’d play our favourite game – and mom’s most hated – the ground is lava.

The rules were simple, don’t touch the ground or you die.  There is a science behind fictional floor lava of course, and the first law of Floor Lava is that inanimate objects are impervious to its destructional characteristics.  This means only carbon based life forms are susceptible to death via contact with Floor Lava.  In order to stay alive and still get around, you’d need to find a path where you can climb, scale, or even jump across objects outside or even inside your own home.  Common household objects used are any piece of furniture, primarily furniture yielding detachable pillows.  A wise man once said, “Where there are pillows, there is life.”  Don’t quote me entirely, but I believe it was Mahatma Gandhi.

The game typically begins when someone shouts “THE GROUND IS LAVA!”, and where this is technically a legal start, it’s the jerk way of catching people off guard who may be in the bathroom.  A more common way is to declare a start with a short countdown, allowing everyone to prepare themselves mentally for the forthcoming challenge.  One time I declared it over a Facebook status update, and immediately got an angry comment stating that I was an asshole and how it would take my friend forever to get home from the bar.  So, you know, keep that in mind.

Another widely unknown variation of the game originated in France, calling the game Parkour.  Parkour is French for “Oh my God, lava, run!”, and is played by pretending the lava isn’t covering the entire ground, but instead a tidal wave that chases them in a forward moving path destroying everything in it’s wake.

Since this game goes way beyond pop culture and is widely played in North America, why couldn’t we declare it a national holiday?  Hell, even a paid federal holiday would be great, keep mom and dad at home and make it a family event.  Having the entire nation in on it would be cool too, everyone would be making a mad dash to the stores the day before to get what they need, or borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbour could be mayhem.  We wouldn’t even need to make a new holiday per se, maybe rename Louis Riel day.  Or if that offends you, shift it to overlap Halloween!  Keep the costumes on, just make those kids work for their candy.  It’d sure limit the number of kids at your house, allowing you to watch Hellraiser with less interruptions.

This holiday is only a pipe dream for as long as we allow it, people!  Write your congressman, email your city councillor!  Take some action!  In the meantime I’m going to rally up some pillows and head over to my parent’s house.  They just bought a new sectional, and all my brothers are home for dinner!  Score.

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5 Comments
  1. Whoa! This sounds like great fun! Are you bringing the cat since he/she seems to be an expert at the game?

    • Oh, the cat is definitely in. She’s a cheater though, once she touches the ground she refuses to be out

  2. angelinaclack permalink

    You will have to build a fort after all of this.

    • Not to worry, constructing a blanket fort is high up on my priority list. It’s right up there with learning the spanish rap and having my own fictional morning show 😉

      • angelinaclack permalink

        I prefer Norwegian rap myself.

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