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Hazard’s 10 Dating Commandments

May 21, 2014

Dating

Let’s be real fellas.  When we’re out on that hot date with that cute girl we’ve been eyeing for the past quarter century, we don’t just want to impress – we want to bring our A Game.  And to do so, it’s important we all follow our own regiment, our personal set of dating guidelines we’ve set for ourselves in order tame the wild lioness across the table right before driving her mad into a frenzy of lust.  Not to be confused with a delusional sense of empowerment over our nervous selves as we choke up and enter a downward spiral of failure and self loathing.  I’ll get to that later.  Gentlemen, I’m talking about the toolset every man needs in order to be fully prepared for a proper night out – the Dating Commandments.  And here’s a sneak peak at my own hand crafted, uniquely sculpted set..

Fresh pair of underwear before leaving the house.

Comfort is confidence, gents!

Steer clear of spicy foods.

Don’t want a boothseat earthquake to shake her away before cocktails.  If you’re dining at a familiar restaurant and you become clueless for menu choices, best stick with old faithful.

Seat choice and positioning.

Position yourself at the table so you have ease of access to the washroom, but not so you’re facing the TV.  TVs tend to be too distracting, and you’ll never follow or create conversation when the game is on.  Don’t be a fool, PVR that shit.  Oh, and go for the booth seat if at all possible, where the washroom is still in your sightline and the TV is not.  Booths are just generally more comfy, and she’ll appreciated it.  Plus it’ll accent the comfort of your freshly pressed undies.

Be aware of signs of crazy.

I should clarify.  Spontaneous is cute, but if your date is doing something that is clearly setting off red flags, it may be time to call it a night.  Followed immediately by calling it quits.

It’s all about dictation.

When you speak, pretend every word that comes out of your mouth is being narrated in Morgan Freeman’s voice.  This will automatically make you more confident, and interesting.

Booze etiquette.

If you’re in an alcohol consuming environment, pace yourself.  You don’t want to slur or stumble around and lose your manly suave demeanour.

Stories, stories, stories.

Tell her interesting stories about yourself, but don’t brag.  You want to play yourself up and seem interesting, yet at the same time passive and subtle.

The dreaded numbers question.

Gentlemen, this conversation doesn’t always pop up, but if it does you certainly want to be prepared for this.  If a lady friend asks how many women you’ve…courted, don’t respond with the real number, nor with a lie.  The best reply is to play it down on a sad key of how a relationship went sour and you were single for a half year, met a lot of new people until you met your next longterm girl.  Which also ended sadly.  Then make a comment of how you never really counted, but it’s about the quality of relationships that interests you, not a petty number of mistakes.  Seem too suave?  Yeah, I couldn’t pull this off either..

Picking up the tab.

Be sure to pay for at least both meals, if not the entire tab.  Hey, you’re out to impress, not save a buck.  Idiot.

Closing conversation.

On the drive home afterwards, be sure to play it cool and not let stupid sentences fall out the front of your face.  Be sure to compliment her, but be confident about what you say.  Be yourself!


 

What Hazard ACTUALLY does…

 

Before I continue, I should explain that these are not in order nor pertaining to one particular date in its entirety, but rather real experiences throughout the years.  Every explanation holds validity and is 100% true.  And pressing on.

Fresh pair of underwear before leaving the house.

Not too long ago I rocked the classic fresh pair of gitch, but wore year old running shoes. She noticed.  And commented. The nerve..

Steer clear of spicy foods.

I went for the spicy italian penne dish. Old faithful alright.  I was farting before dessert was served.

Seat choice and positioning.

We sat at the most comfortable booth in the back corner for privacy.  I couldn’t find the washrooms and there were 2 TVs in my path.  I didn’t hear anything she said midway through first period.

Be aware of signs of crazy.

OK, I really wasn’t ready for this.  One time on a date, we decided to make a homemade dinner.  Her objection to my love for spaghetti and homemade sauce apparently wasn’t a large enough red flag, and so we headed to the supermarket to pick up alternate dinner supplies.  At the veggie isle, she decided it was a great idea to “test” the veggies before buying.  I looked at her shocked and asked her what the deuce she was doing eating food off the shelf.  She looked at me annoyed, and asked me if I had ever “lived on the edge”.  I replied all the time, and explained however eating a habanero pepper live off the shelf didn’t meet my wild lifestyle criteria.  As her eyes widened with horror (and flames), she ran and grabbed an orange juice and began chugging it in the middle of the store.  I chuckled, explaining that what she consumed was an acid and she required a base such as milk, to counteract the burning effect.  As she ran to the dairy isle and began drinking a milk, I was tearing up with laughter and politely explained to her that I wasn’t paying for the orange juice or milk.  However I was willing to spot her for the pepper.  As she bee lined it to the store washroom, I created a twitter account.  That was the last time I saw that girl.

It’s all about dictation.

When you’re really into a girl, you tend to shed your natural skin and slowly become clad in the nervous armour of Shaggy from Scooby Doo.  I choked up on most of my words, and even Morgan Freeman couldn’t pull me out of that slump.  My inner narration slowly became more and more that of Peter Griffin, until I actually started doing the voice on my own.  She stared at me blankly.  Women never seem to appreciate voice impressions.  I switched to a Stewie Griffin.

Booze etiquette.

This one time, I had a lady friend back at my parents place outside in the hot tub.  About 3 over too many beers in, I had to goto the washroom, located in the house and downstairs.  My dad had previously ripped out all the carpet on the staircase for a renovation that STILL HASN’T BEEN FINISHED.  What happens when you combine too much alcohol, wet feet and a slippery staircase?  Well, let’s just say my joints are still bothering me to this day.

Stories, stories, stories.

One time, becoming overzealous in my story telling, I revealed a story in which I inadvertently wore a condom home from an ex girlfriends house and dropped it accidentally in front of my parents.  Embarrassing?  Meh.  As they say, no shame no gain!  Or was that pain..?  I should probably delete this.

The dreaded numbers question.

I once went out with a girl who was adamant on knowing.  I didn’t know which direction to lie, up or down?  Lying up may seem douchey, however lying down would bring me into the negatives.  Nervously, I began to name off every girl I had ever been with.  And I should have stopped there!

Picking up the tab.

Before I continue, allow me to explain that I am Mennonite.  In other words, I can be stingy as heck with my cash flow.  Now, if the girl means a lot to me, I of course have zero quarrel paying every time.  However on the flip side, I always watch to see how the date reacts when the bill is passed to the table – the stare into my eyes, the purse open, or the shy look away.  I’ll always pay, people.  I just won’t always like it.

Closing conversation.

This one probably takes the cake.  I began seeing a girl over a decade ago, and was driving her home.  I was still kind of new to dating, and didn’t know how to end the conversation before dropping her off.  I liked her, but was young and didn’t want to be tied down.  In my head I had played out how I was going to break it clean and just be friends, but when I opened my mouth to talk “I love you” secreted out the front of my stupid head.  That right there turned into a year long relationship.

 

I realize now that most advice I give should be taken with a grain of salt.  Especially when it’s free.  However, doomed to remain single as it may seem, while you’re all out there getting married and making babies, I’m making memories.  Terrible and awkward as they may be, I cherish every one.  And that’s something that no marital status, or therapist for that matter, can take away from me.

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2 Comments
  1. haha Matt, this made me laugh so hard!

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