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Sorry Hazard, but our Princess is in Another Castle

September 7, 2014


Dating.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of the impeccably hopeless Hazard.  His continuing mission?  To explore strange new social situations, to seek out new women in new social circles.  To boldly go where at least a few have gone before.  Potentially many, although he doesn’t like to think about that…

At the beginning of every year, I have an optimistic view that this is going to be the year that I will meet someone and fall in love.  I know full well that I’ll have to dive straight into the dating pond without water wings multiple times, and at some point I’ll find a compatible match.  And every year, the same cycle occurs.  I go on multiple dates with multiple new women, find ONE that I decide I’m head over heels for, and spend the rest of the year chasing after that one that I simply can’t land.  Repeat.

So why is dating so tough?  I think I’ve figured it out.

When I’m standing in the kitchen and my dog is looking at me from the couch, he stands up wagging his tail and gives me this toothy smile that I can only assume is welcoming happiness.  However, once I stare him down and slowly begin to turn on my heels, his tails stops and he freezes in place.  As I begin to angle my body towards the door, his face turns cold and his legs begin to tighten.  I crouch slowly into a sprint stance and his eyes lock to mine.  The second I take a step, he rips out a low bark and launches after me.  For my pup is hard wired on an instinctual level to chase.  And I am no different.

If I meet someone who’s extremely interested in me right off the bat, chances are I’m going to lose interest very fast.  Consequently, if a girl shows some interest in me but doesn’t want to commit, chances are I’m already planning on making her my wife.  If you’re following along, you’ve realized that this is BAD.  So what chance at happiness do I really have with a mindset so whacked?

Probably not much of any.

To me, shopping for a compatible mate is like playing an old NES version of Mario.  After the first few levels, it gets repetitive and boring.  Like, I always find myself jumping over SO MANY OBSTACLES to impress the girl I’m out with, while at the same time shelling out my OWN collected coins to pay for our meals and drinks.  And there are always these other goombas out to block you from getting your girl that you’ve got to deal with.  And all this, just to find out at the end of the day that she wasn’t the one, and my princess is truly in another castle.  It’s just such a hassle.

On some positive note, there is an end to Mario.  It’s beatable, and I know exactly how it ends.  Unfortunately, happiness is at the end of World 8 and I seem to be stuck somewhere between World 1 and a hard place.  However if I’m going to play this crazy game of love I’m going to have to be patient.  That, or invest in a warp whistle.  Which is probably loads easier at this point.


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