Failure to Launch

The generation before mine existed in a very different time in society.  They didn’t have the internet growing up, nor cell phones, and cable TV was just becoming readily available to the home.  They were the products of the generation before them, who came from even less and built everything they had from the ground up.  Both of these proud generations are accustomed to working very hard for what they have, and it’s only fair to expect they’ve made the attempt to instil these values into their kids.  My generation on the other hand, is full of people who grew up in a society that has given them so much and expected so little.  So it’s no wonder why I feel the overwhelming urge to quit my job, sell my house and become a stay-at-home son.

I grew up in a house with four younger brothers, in the 80s.  And let me tell you, the 80’s were a sweet time to enter this world.

From the moment I was born, society was eager to provide me with education, extracurricular activities, and thousands of materialistic things to warp my fragile little mind.  As a kid, we had more than one colour TV in the house with more cartoons simultaneously airing than I could keep up with.  There was always food in the fridge, cupboards, and also in the pantry downstairs.  When I poke-evolved into a teenager in the 90s, things got even sweeter.  We had video games, computers, kids our own age as neighbours as far as the eye could see, and a second key cut to my dads liquor cabinet that he didn’t know existed.  None of us got jobs until we were 16 years of age.  When I turned 18, we had parties outdoors in my parents garage, and when we became too inebriated to speak, we’d fall asleep outside.  On a couch we strategically placed near the fire pit.  Life was amazing.  So when my parents finally kicked me out, making the statement “You take life for granted“, I knew my sweet, care free ride was over.  It was time to be a man.  

Getting ejected out of the Garden of Eden at the ripe young age of 22 was the best thing for me, because I got to learn first hand that being a responsible adult sucks.

Now, I should probably clarify so you don’t get me misconstrued as a complete asshole.  When accused of taking life for granted by my parents, I knew bloody well what life was all about.  I didn’t take life for granted, I was simply prolonging my freedom train as long as humanly possible.  Now, out in the world on my own, I did exactly what my parents wanted me to do – I found a career, bought myself a house and purchased a brand new shiny vehicle.  I’ve proved to the world I could take life by the horns and take control.  And now I’ve decided I’m done.  I’ve had a good run out there, but now I’m honestly bored.  I mean, shit, wouldn’t you be?  Maybe it’s the lack of a wife, or the fact I’ve literally climbed to the top of my career in such a short period of time (I’m not bragging, actually its completely doable in any trade.  We’re literally talking 5 years from day 1, folks) I’m ready for retirement.  Since winning the lotto is a ridiculous (and virtually impossible) exit strategy, and because I’m not married and therefore can’t be a stay-at-home dad, I’m forced to really think outside the box.  So what’s left?  I’m 31 years old, and I’ve got a new goal – to be a stay at home son.

Convincing my parents that this is a “good idea” has been less than successful, but during the interview they weren’t aware they were giving me I feel I made some good points as to why they should allow me to move back in, jobless.  First off, they’re getting older now, and I told my dad I could shovel the driveway a few times a year.  I also offered my mom marital advice at discounted rates.  My dad laughed at that until I told him he’d need to pick up extra shifts at work to cover my own expenses, as I’m already accustomed to living life with a credit card.  Needless to say it’s an ongoing battle.

Alright, so maybe completed all of life’s goals is a bit of an overstatement – I haven’t exactly paid off the house or vehicle yet.  However I’ve acquired them, and isn’t that really the hardest part for most?  I’ve worked hard for all that I currently have, and I’m ready to trade it all back in for that sweet life I had when I was 10, waking up in the mornings to watch cartoons on a weekend while eating a bowl of Captain Crunch.  So what’s next?  Since my parents have yet to cave, I’m forced into limited visits and hot tub privileges in their backyard.  In other words, I’m going to pack up the dog and and raid their fridge until they kick me out.  Plus it’s almost dinner, and my mom can’t hear me yelling inquisitions about the meatloaf from here.